Even though I had been diagnosed with Bipolar II in April 2021, I didn’t believe it. But sitting with strangers in the basement of the Regina General Hospital somehow made it real. In my mind mental illness was a death-sentence and the worst possible thing that could curse someone.

This wasn’t my life. This wasn’t me. Where had I gone, and would I ever return? Words really cannot do justice to the hell your brain can put you through, but I shall try to explain my experiences.

My diagnoses came amongst a similar deep dark crash I had in late February to early June 2021. This crash followed what “they” call a hypomanic episode. Hence the term bipolar, two opposing ends of a spectrum. I had struggled with bouts of depression on and off my entire life…but nothing in comparison to the crashes I’ve experienced these last two years.

No two people with Bipolar Disorder have the same experience.

For me, my ups include very high energy and a million ideas. If you know me personally, you would know I’ve always been pretty high energy with a fair amount of ideas. But during my first “up”, the ideas came flooding in extremely fast, I saw connection and possibility everywhere I looked, and ended up with a mind map of how to change the world and end homelessness. To most of the people I talked to about it I sounded like a lunatic. But there were a fair amount who understood what I was saying and agreed with my systems approach to our societal issues; but disagreed with me that it would be easy and were not quite ready to quit their jobs and chase the dream with me (which I did…twice).

Both of my crashes followed these ups. For me, my brain broke each time. It actually stopped processing information, and I spent a good chunk of time staring at a wall or under a blanket. I’m a fairly intelligent human, but during both of these periods making simple decisions or solving basic problems felt impossible. I would then convince myself it would be like that forever, I’d never be able to care for my kids or work again, and I had ruined our lives. That thought pattern just played on repeat from the moment I woke up, until the moment my medication knocked me out at night so I could actually get some sleep. Long story shot, mental illness is very real and a lot more common that people like to admit…and it really, really sucks.

I’ve been commended on my courage for sharing my story…but I really don’t see it that way. The definition of courage is “the ability to do something that frightens oneself”. I have never been afraid of sharing my two cents when I don’t agree with what I see going on around me. It did get me in a decent amount of trouble when I was younger, but served as good practice for adult Kelsey.

Society has come a long way in providing understanding and compassion towards a number of mental health issues…but there is still an incredible amount of stigma around bipolar, schizophrenia, psychosis and other “severe” mental illnesses. And to me, that’s absolute bullshit. So I’m not afraid to share my story as someone with lived experience, and advocate for those who can’t currently advocate for themselves. If I did not have the support system I do…I’m not sure where I’d be right now. But I’m quite sure it would not be sitting in my warm house, sipping tea and writing a blog. No one is immune to life steamrolling them…but it tends to be the privileged who get the support they need to pick themselves up and keep going.

The word spirituality can freak people out….even more so when I mention I had a “spiritual awakening of sorts”. So if it makes you more comfortable, you can think of what I’m about to talk about as a “creative epiphany”. Regardless of what we call it, 2020 for me was a series of events that led to a a complete shift in how I view the world and my place in it. And once that shift happened, it has been almost impossible to go back to the way I lived prior.

Kelsey pre-shift was constantly high-strung and stressed out, focused on putting finances towards paying down a mortgage and very little towards life experiences, and a borderline functioning alcoholic as a coping mechanism. Wine was typically the only way I could decompress and be present with my kids and not be constantly on the verge of snapping.

Kelsey post-shift believed one could live off hopes and dreams and change the world rather quickly. I quit my paying job and spent almost all my time working towards world changing in a haphazard way that made almost no progress towards any one thing at all. Everyone told me I had to focus to make anything happen, but I would not listen. Whatever appealed to me in a day I’d work on. I’d reach out to anyone who seemed interesting that I believed fit into the puzzle that I was trying to solve somehow.

You could say I pendulum swung from operating in a very masculine energy, towards a very feminine energy. Logical and disciplined to intuitive and creative. Another way to look at these energies without assigning genders is yin and yang. There are many different ways to view and analyze energy systems, but I’ll stop there. My life motto has typically been “go big or go home”, so going from one extreme to the other was not totally out of character.

The problem with the shift was that I did not stay balanced. My focus and logic went out the window. I’d operate for months in the ‘it will all work out if I follow my heart’ world. When things did not work out because I did not have any real plan when I quit my job, the crash started with the story “I’m crazy and ruined my children’s life”.

My neighbour and friend has been studying and following the psychology, psychiatry, and spiritual worlds for over 50 years. How she interprets my experiences is what some call a “spiritual emergency”. She has studied a lot of Stan Grof’s work, and it is an interesting alternative school of thought to what the masses currently believe.

I’m learning to balance my soul health with everyday living. I know I can’t live as fast as I used to, or be stuck in environments that drain my energy. There has been shifts in my lifestyle to make this possible, but I’m very lucky to have the ability to not work full time so I can make it happen.

You may be wondering what any of this has to do with buildings, what type of quest I’m on, or why it’s a part of the Kilo Lima blog. Well, a lot of reasons, but here are a few:

1. I have poured my blood, sweat and tears into running this blog, so when I feel like sharing unrelated content, I’m going to do as I please!
2. I know that if we looked at our building inventory a little more holistically, we could make a seriously huge impact on society.

Many people have asked me why I care about the Code so much. To me the question should really be why doesn’t everyone else care as much as I do? As humans, we spend about 90% of our time in buildings. Or at least that’s what I found on Google. It obviously varies from person to person, but that is a lot.

A reminder that the Codes are the absolutely worst building we can build, and often minimum isn’t even met because it is so hard to understand.

It’s so much more important than minimum. Going Beyond the Codes is what drives me to do whatever it is that I’m doing. I want to live in a world where our buildings are the best they possibly can be for people and the planet. Where the most inclusive design isn’t a nicety, but an expectation. Where our built environment fosters community and connection so as a society people don’t feel so alone. Where we appreciate the history and the stories that existing construction tell; instead of tearing down and building new whenever we have the chance. Where we consciously choose our materials and building locations with Mother Earth in mind.

I want to live in a world where buildings aren’t just another commodity, but serve a real purpose. If you step back and look at the existing structures in your city, it’s likely there is more than enough space for everyone to live, work and play. It’s also likely you live somewhere that brick and mortar locations are needed to facilitate community and social services. Yet much of the building inventory is held by those who see it as a commodity.

If I tried to really convey the connection I see between buildings and societal issue solutions, this blog post would be triple the length. Don’t worry though, I have my eye on a particular building in Regina to test out all my hopes and dreams on. Not just building geek restoration dreams, but to use the space as an innovative approach to social support as well. I truly believe if we supported people to get to the bottom rung of the ladder, most will climb the rest of the way themselves.

There is a chance I’ve talked myself in circles on this one. Long story short, I’m on a quest for better buildings for a heck of a lot of reasons.

Translating my brain into coherent sentences is sometimes a challenge. If you’ve ever had a conversation with me regarding my grand vision for what the world can be…you may have walked away extremely confused. But that’s okay, because no one needs to understand my dream but me.

Brains are a tricky beast, and I really don’t think there is a way that us humans will ever understand them fully. Were my experiences mental illness? Maybe. Or were they more spiritual in nature? Maybe. Does it matter? Absolutely not. It is what it is.

I’m fascinated by brain science and how it impacts our behaviours and perceptions. I always have been, but more so since my brain decided to turn against me on occasion. I became a walking advertisement for Johann Hari when I read his book Lost Connections: Uncovering the Real Causes of Depression – and the Unexpected Solutions. I’m an even bigger hype woman now that I’m reading his latest, Stolen Focus: Why You Can’t Pay Attention and How to Think Deeply Again.

The books are not only insightful with those with depression or focus challenges, but for society as a whole. He provides a different way to look at these challenges. That perhaps in some cases they are symptoms of bigger systemic issues, and not inherent deficiencies in brains. If you have read them and want to start a book club with me, let me know.

Sometimes I feel like a tightrope walker; balancing my soul practice, fickle brain, and things I have to do to fit in with the way our world currently works. But forward I go navigating life, knowing that if I become unbalanced again, the results may be catastrophic. We all have our lots in life. I’m blessed with support. I hope you are too.

I used to say that I’m not sure what I want to be when I grow up. I am officially in my late thirties so I believe I’m technically a grown up now…but I’m not going to try to figure the future out. The world is changing faster than we realize, and what I’m going to do in 10 years may not even be invented yet.

Right now, I’m working on figuring out my ikigai; a Japanese concept of a “balance found at the intersection where your passions and talents converge with the things that the world needs and is willing to pay for” (per Forbes).

Since there are many things I love to do, I’ve got a few things on the go that are extremely unrelated but together work both sides of my brain…which creates a happy me.

As the Executive Director at The REM, I get to develop some pretty cool programming and support the people of Regina in telling their stories. The REM is a new innovative concept that replaced the Civic Museum of Regina. We have no permanent physical location, and instead are finding ways to bring intangible heritage (stories of the past and present, ceremonies and traditions, community groups and local flora and fauna) to people as they go about their day-to-day. It ties my love of people with my obsession with using the built environment more creatively.

I’ve also teamed up with Driftstone Consulting, to help grow our code consulting capacity here at home in Saskatchewan. I’m currently focusing on supporting those who want to upgrade the accessibility of their buildings while navigating best practice…but always up for geeking out on some challenging Part 3 reviews.

And last, but definitely not least, I’m still picking away as Founder and Dreamer here at Kilo. I hope one day to move it from a passion and mission, to part of my ikigai. Who knows how it will shake out, but for now I’m having a blast with our Villagers making the codes a bit easier to understand.

At some point along my journey, I’d love to have a job title of “Brain Advocate and Bringer of Love”…so if you see a job posting for that, let me know.

My plan for Kilo Lima this year is to make a plan. Seems pretty straight forward, I know. Over the last few years, I’ve managed to push 40 or so rocks forward a little bit. But without moving one forward a lot, Kilo isn’t making the impact it could.

So the plan for 2023 is to not get (too) distracted by shiny things. We are regrouping and focusing on getting more courses by niche experts in our online school to provide an amazing service to our community. If you love to teach and have some expert knowledge to share, please reach out. If you have a team in need of a specific course, please reach out. Together we can find the right system to get everyone the education they need!